My Family Is Showing No Loyalty or Integrity Right Now, They Love Talking Bad Behind My Back

What are Values?

We hear so much these days well-nigh how important it is that parents instill skillful values in their children. The truth is that if parents don't have this responsibility, then the void may be filled past negative forces in our culture that practice not support salubrious morals and ethics for our families.

The more than aware parents are of their own values, the clearer they volition be in expressing them and communicating them to their children.

Value is the amount of worth ascribed to something, the degree to which something is prized or has merit. Values are the behavior that each person considers are important for himself and perchance for humanity as a whole.

Values are very important in parenting since they deeply influence all behaviors and attitudes and effect our decisions and relationships. For a value to exist truly your own, you must act on it and your behavior must reflect it – not just verbally accept it or think that y'all should follow it.

The following common sayings refer to the important concept of acting in concert with your values in order to accept internal integrity:

put your money where your oral cavity is;
walk the walk not just talk the talk;
actions speak louder than words;
children practise equally they run into, non do as they are told to do.

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Some Facts about Values

Values Can Cause Disharmonize

The closer the human relationship to another person, the more a person feels responsible for that person. That partially explains why parents oft accept an intense drive to make sure their children take their values and act according to those standards.
Values are very personal and are often held with great conviction, including beliefs nearly how to parent. Strongly committed to their values, people can feel personally attacked when someone disagrees with them or tries to inflict their values on them. Every bit a result, conflicts can occur if someone tries to tell another person how to heighten his children.

For example, immature parents often are very sensitive to comments and suggestions from their own parents nearly their parenting choices, every bit information technology often feels like criticism of a value the newer parents hold.
This strong commitment to one'south values can likewise lead to tension betwixt parents when they disagree on fundamental bug about raising their children.
Strong adherence to one's values is also a mutual cause of tension between parents and children (peculiarly teens) when the children espouse opposing values.

Values Are Subjective

Often values are non consciously chosen. They are based on deep beliefs that people learn from their parents when they are so young that they accept what their parents say and practice without question.

These early on beliefs are communicated to children to a big degree non-verbally and through the myriad of interactions they have with their parents throughout their babyhood. Children usually take on the values of those in charge until they are old enough (and encouraged) to begin to think for themselves.
Values are completely subjective and are personal opinions, not facts. Often people retrieve that what they value is a universally accepted belief and that it is factual and objective.
Prejudices are formed when opinions, which are determined past our values and are interpretations of facts, are stated as facts and believed to exist facts. These and so are often communicated to children as absolute truths.

For example, a parent may value the qualities of studiousness and seriousness in a kid, and communicate to a more boisterous child that his highly agile temperament is 'bad.' This more active kid may then grow up assertive that there is something incorrect with him.
An important role of increasing our understanding of values is to differentiate between facts and opinions.

In the above example, this louder and more than spirited child may not be what a parent prefers (that is, what he values), merely at that place is nothing inherently bad about those traits. Another parent may actually feel better near a kid is who more bouncy and lively.

Information technology is all a matter of personal opinion and preference, not fact.

Values Modify Over Time

Values frequently change with age and are closely continued to a person's developmental stage in life.

For example:

As teens brainstorm breaking away from their parents, they closely identify with their peer group. These friendships become all-important, often taking precedence over family relationships.

Once the teen matures and becomes more comfortable with himself, he can so break away from his peer group to form his ain values, which oftentimes return to or become more similar to those of his parents.

When a person becomes a parent, values ofttimes change every bit rearing children and providing for them become priorities in the parent'south life.
One very effective way that teens separate themselves from their parents is by rejecting the parents' values. If teens have not been allowed to voice an opposing view all along, they may insubordinate more strongly in the adolescent years as a manner of decisively differentiating themselves from their parents.

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The Value of Values

Understanding the concept of values and the importance of teaching them to their children gives parents a powerful way to influence their children and to shield them from the agin forces they may encounter in the outside world.

Parents are not helpless against the realities in our culture and in the media that assault their conventionalities systems and that make practicing healthy parenting experience like an exercise in "swimming upstream."

Values Provide Clarity

Parents are more effective and clear when they know what they value for themselves and how those values influence what they desire for their children.
The more than conscious parents are of the values they wish to transmit and the more they know well-nigh effective ways of transmitting them, the more probable it is that their children volition acquire and comprise those values.

Values Provide Guidance

Knowing your goals for your child helps you decide how to relate to your children. It focuses the parenting choices you lot make, helps you to guide your children, make up one's mind what letters you want to send and what behaviors and attitudes you want to reinforce. Do you desire to reinforce:
- hard work?
- kindness?
- generosity?
- assertiveness?
- independence?
Information technology helps you selection your battles, decide what is worth your time and attention, and what y'all can let go of.

Values Impact Relationships

Understanding your values helps make articulate when ane value conflicts with another. Y'all can then consciously determine what your priorities are in regard to the two conflicting values. Do you value:
- honesty or politeness?
- neatness or creativity?
- socialization time with peers or fourth dimension with family?
1 very effective way that teens divide themselves from their parents is by rejecting the parents' values. If teens have not been immune to voice an opposing view all along, they may rebel more strongly in the boyish years as a manner of decisively differentiating themselves from their parents.

Knowing what you value can serve as a guide to determine when and how you want to intervene in a situation with your children. If y'all see your kid misbehaving in a way that is contrary to a value yous want to instill, it tin be a inkling about something the kid needs to learn, whether it be kindness, generosity, responsibleness, honesty, etc.

The situation can be an opportunity to do your job as a parent to teach that value and the behaviors that reflect it, rather than a reason to get aroused and punish.

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What's the Claiming?

Just sometimes it is non as easy as it seems information technology should be.

Parents Don't Know What They Value

For one thing, parents aren't ever certain themselves what they consider to be important, what information technology is that they value. As the old aphorism says, "If you don't know where you want to go, you are far less likely to get there." It often takes conscious attempt to go articulate about 1's overall value system.

For example, if y'all are not clear that you want your children to prove gratitude, y'all may miss opportunities to teach your child how he tin can express his sincere thanks when someone buys him a present.

Values Can Conflict with 1 Another

Secondly, our own values can conflict with one another. This internal values conflict can occur when a person is not clear about which value is more of import, or when a person values two things at once which seem incompatible.

Parents may feel an increase in stress, tension and confusion when they have conflicting values and they may send mixed or confusing messages to their children.

For case:

A parent may want his child to be independent but also may desire his home to be very slap-up – how does this parent reply when his seven year old wants to make his own breakfast but often winds up spilling the cereal and juice on the counter and sometimes on the floor?

Another parent may value honesty but as well desire her child to be popular – so how does she counsel her child when the kid knows that a student who is part of the "in-crowd" was adulterous on an test?

If a parent values both obedience and independence, it volition exist best to clarify in what areas the child is to be obedient and where he may be independent.

A parent may value obedience in health and prophylactic matters and respect for human life, while valuing independence in the areas of self-care and handling responsibility.

A few other common internal values conflicts are:

curiosity vs. cocky-control.
neatness vs. creativity.
honesty vs. politeness.
being popular with peers vs. standing upwardly for one'southward beliefs or for an 'underdog'.
focus on academics vs. focus on social life.
focus on social time vs. having family unit fourth dimension.

Parents May Disagree over Values

At that place may be disagreement between ii parents about what is of import and which traits to encourage in their children.

For example, 1 parent may want their child to be believing and outspoken, while the other parent may prefer a child who is obedient, gets forth with others and defers to the parent'southward decisions.

Parents may share a value but still disagree well-nigh how to reverberate that value.

For example, both may want their child to have loftier self-esteem only one may want a looser structure in the home to give more than freedom for self-expression and the other parent may want more than construction in the home to give a greater sense of security and prophylactic through rules.

Values Modify over Time

Values can and practice modify with time, historic period and experience. Some values go less important every bit others ascent in importance. Parents may value different traits in their children at different times because they themselves are changing and because their expectations for different age children vary.

For instance, when children are toddlers, some parents might wish the kids were less agile and more obedient; as the children grow, these same parents might really appreciate their children'south energy, curiosity and initiative.

Every bit children mature into adolescents, they ofttimes express their budding, but insecure, independence by rejecting their parents' values. Although parents may strongly desire their children to alive according to their values, the teens' job is to determine their own value arrangement.

How and how much tin can parents of teens control their children'southward values without running the risk of pushing them in the totally opposite management?

For example, do y'all forbid a shaved caput and torn jeans or practise yous allow your teens freedom to experiment with different values?

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Transmitting Values:
Benefits and Pitfalls of Different Approaches

Now that yous know why information technology is important to be articulate about your own values and to communicate them to your children, you may exist request how y'all can exercise that effectively. In that location are four approaches that parents can use to laissez passer on their values.

One of the ways to differentiate 1 from the other is to consider:

how directly the value is transmitted.
how involved the parent is in the transmission.

Being aware of these ii dimensions tin help you lot to best implement each of the approaches. Each one has its place in passing on your values to your children and no one approach used exclusively is as effective as using all in combination.

Moralizing

What is Moralizing?

Moralizing involves preaching and teaching.

Parents are very involved with this approach to passing on their values, and the values are very direct transmitted. This method is used more oftentimes when children are young and parents are straight education children how to behave.

Using Moralizing to Teach Values

Moralizing is nearly effective when done in short spurts, not in long preachy lectures: you can give brusk impassioned sermons when insisting that certain behaviors reflective of a value are upheld. By doing so, yous are communicating very clearly what y'all value.

Parents may effectively impose values on children by focusing on a few key problems – this can have the desired impact without bogging the child down.

For case, one area many parents experience very strongly about is respectful and kind treatment of others. You may want to requite brusk, clear and stern "lectures" if your children call other children names.

Likewise, to instill a sense of responsibility in your children, if they shirk from doing their chores, yous can teach briefly why it is of import that they follow through with their commitments:

"I look you to alive up to your word."

"In order for me to trust yous, you lot need to exercise what you say y'all are going to do."

"For our household to run smoothly, I count on yous to do your chores."

To instill a sense of gratitude in your children, yous can teach them how important it is to say thanks when you practise something for them; if they complain that your efforts are not plenty, you can tell them:

"When I get out of my way to take you lot to Sam's house, I expect and desire you lot to say thank you for driving me rather than lament that nosotros are belatedly."

You lot tin can teach them how to respond when they receive a present:

"Thank you and so much. I love the red backpack. I can take it to schoolhouse every day."

Even if they practice not similar the nowadays, they can express appreciation for the effort and thought the giver put into choosing the gift.

The Pitfalls of Moralizing

However, if moralizing or teaching is overdone, children may tune out their parents and may rebel (especially in the teen years) against being dictated to and lectured.

Also, preaching is less effective if children see that parents' actions don't match their words; that is, they don't "walk the talk."

If moralizing is the but method used to teach your values, children will not develop an internal value system, self-subject field or the ability to call back for themselves considering they take become accustomed to being told what to practice and what to call up.

Modeling

What is Modeling

Modeling involves parents acting in means that demonstrate the desired values.

When modeling, parents are directly involved but the value is not taught directly.

The Benefits of Modeling

Modeling appropriate beliefs is a powerful way to transmit values. The old adage "Do what I say, not what I do" merely does non work. Children are more than influenced by what they see parents doing than by what parents tell them to do.

For instance:

If a parent wants her child to be respectful when talking to people, i of the best ways to encourage that behavior is to be respectful herself – when talking to the child as well every bit to other people.

If a parent tells a child how important information technology is to be neat and to take care of one's possessions, but is sloppy herself with her things, chances are the kid will emulate the parent'southward careless and sloppy behavior rather than pay attention to what the parent says the child should do.

If a parent values honesty, but fibs about her child's historic period to get a disbelieve at the motion picture theater, the daughter will likely determine that saving coin is more important than being honest. This puts a lot of force per unit area on parents to call up well-nigh how they acquit, speak and treat other people.

The Pitfalls of Modeling

If only modeling the beliefs you want to see without giving children an opportunity to hash out the values that underlie the beliefs, they may not empathize the reason for the value or embrace the value fully. Left to themselves to interpret the value being shown past the behavior, they may miss it altogether, or the meaning may be diluted or dislocated.

As well, at that place are and then many role models both face-to-face and through the media available to children nowadays, many of which may non espouse the same values as the parents.

As a result, children are often exposed to conflicting values through questionable office models. All the more reason for parents to be vigilant about directly transmitting the values they desire their children to ultimately adopt.

Clarifying Values

What is Clarifying Values?

Clarifying Values uses an educational process which encourages children to consciously identify, understand, question and create their own value systems.

Through the procedure of clarification, a value is direct transmitted through parental involvement. Parents actively limited their ain values but do not impose them directly on their children.

Children are encouraged to focus on the process of determining a value and tin acknowledge their own values and choose between alternatives.

The Benefits of Clarifying Values

When children openly discuss values, they are improve equipped to empathise them, debate against them, consciously integrate one value with another, understand why a value is important and perhaps accept it as their own.

Children are taught how to think most and evaluate a value; they are not taught what specifically to remember.

For case, if you want to teach your children to assist those in need, you tin ask them:

"Why do y'all think it is important to help less fortunate people?"

"What would happen if people did not extend a helping mitt to those in need?"

"What categories of people would you consider to be needy of aid?"

"What specifically can you do in your life to help these people?"

"Are in that location times when you lot think it is correct to focus on your ain needs over those of someone else?"

"What might be some of those situations?"

The Pitfalls of Clarifying Values

Exist careful not to make the discussions besides complicated for young children. Go along it simple. As they mature, yous can make the concepts more nuanced, complex and sophisticated.

A Laissez-Faire Approach

What is a Laissez-Faire Approach?

This arroyo allows children to forge their own values, the conventionalities being that no one value system is right for everyone.

The Benefits of a Laissez-Faire Arroyo

This arroyo is more appropriate for older children who already accept some bones values in identify that the parent finds adequate. It is all-time used in modest doses and when the parent feels that the child has attained a certain level of sound judgment.

In its favor, a child will more strongly adopt those values that he determines for himself, independent of outside imposition.

The Pitfalls of a Laissez-Faire Approach

Although many parents apply this approach, information technology is not very constructive in instilling the values you lot want to teach, because it does non offer plenty guidance.

Parents are not involved and the teaching of the value is very indirect or not-real. Children and teens however need guidance in developing and evaluating their own value systems, and they depend on the significant people in their lives for help.

If a laissez-faire arroyo is the only or dominant means used to transmit values, a child may experience abandoned. This could get out him vulnerable to outside influences that exercise non encourage the development of a healthy value system.

When a parent assists in clarifying values and engages in the process of discussing values with his child, then the child will have a framework to develop his own value arrangement, even if information technology is not identical to the parent's behavior.

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What to Do

Decide what behaviors/traits you want your children to exhibit.
Knowing what you lot consider important and paying attending to how you can communicate that to your children will permit you to be more intentional in passing on those values. The exercises in the next department of this article tin help you to get clear about your values and those you lot would like your family to have.

Create a values hierarchy to be aware of internal values conflicts.
This can be very difficult: it is not piece of cake to determine exactly the relative importance of different values. Again, you tin use the exercises in the next section to prioritize your personal values.

Use daily situations to aid your child learn how to exhibit a value.
If you are enlightened that your child is non demonstrating a value that yous think is of import, you can teach your child what behavior would reflect that value.

For case:

If your child hits his sister considering she took his toy, help him to consider what he could exercise instead of hitting, and use the situation every bit an opportunity to build empathy ("How would information technology experience to you lot if. . . ."). Y'all can acknowledge that your child is trying to behave in a fashion that does not come up easily to him.

If your kid asks repeatedly when y'all will be finished with your chores and then you can take him to his friends, y'all tin comment that yous come across that he is struggling to be patient and that you know that is difficult for him.

Recognize and employ teachable moments that occur in daily life.
These everyday events and experiences tin serve as opportunities to instill values in your children.

For instance:

If yous are watching a television program with your children, discuss the hurtful, negative, unkind behavior of the characters, too equally the positive traits and behaviors.

Involve your children in charitable work y'all exercise at your place of worship or in your community.

Call attention to positive behavior past labeling information technology.
When you see your kid behaving in a fashion that reflects a value you want to instill, acknowledging the behavior and linking information technology to an of import value is a powerful teaching tool.

To your son who shared his favorite toy with his sister, yous can say, "I see you willing to share your favorite toy. That is what I telephone call real generosity."

Utilize a remainder of all 3 of the straight means (teaching, modeling, clarifying) mentioned above to impart your values.
This will requite you the greatest take a chance of having your children develop a strong upstanding value organisation and internalize your values; maybe not during their teen years, only before and after!

For case, in instilling the value of helping those in need, over time and in various situations, yous can:

tell your child why you think that it is important to assistance others:

model charitable giving, i.e: helping a neighbour who has just come dwelling house from the hospital;

ask leading questions to help your kid think nigh the meaning of helping those in need;

give them some elbowroom to either take and deed upon the value or discard information technology (if they are older and safety is not involved.)

Share your family stories that demonstrate values you desire to instill. It is inspiring to children and deepens their sense of identity.

"In our family, people have been generous, courageous, and able to survive tragedies. Did y'all know that when Grandfather came to this country… "

Call up that it takes time and practice before your kid will internalize some values and live past them. Be patient and exist hopeful.

The more witting parents are of the values they wish to pass on to their children and the more than they know nearly effective means of transmitting these values, the more likely it is that their values volition be communicated and adopted.

This process occurs over fourth dimension, equally children are non able to understand or comprise some values for a long time. Merely children volition benefit from having parents who piece of work to transmit their values in a patient and nurturing way.

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Exercises to Help Yous Get Clear about Your Values

Because knowing what you value is such a crucial part of salubrious and constructive parenting, nosotros are including a number of exercises that will assist you lot to consider your values.

Y'all tin can prioritize the things that are most important to you:

What practise I consider important, and which of these values is more important to me?
What traits and behaviors exercise I value in my children and would similar them to have.

Basic Life Values

Review the listing of Life Values below; choose the acme 10 values to determine what you consider to be most important in your life, put them into a hierarchy and choose the two that you value the most and the 2 that you value the least.

You tin can:

consider how you might express your top 10 values (what specific behaviors would demonstrate your top 10 values?)
have a discussion with your family well-nigh which values should become your family's core values
encourage your spouse and family members to make their own lists
consider how your listing may have been different x years agone

Achievement	Assertiveness	Beauty
Caring	Challenging Work	Cleaniness
Compassion	Confidence	Consideration
Courage- physical and of convictions	Courtesy	Inventiveness
Detachment	Determination	Ethusiasm
Excellence	Faith in oneself	Religion in God
Faithfulness	Flexibility	Forgiveness
Friendship	Generousity	Gentleness
Health	Helpfulness	Honesty
Laurels	Humility	Idealism
Independence	Integrity	Joyfulness
Justice	Kindness/empathy	Knowledge
Love	Loyalty	Mercy
Moderation	Modesty	Morality
Obedience	Orderliness	Patience
Peacefulness	Personal Growth	Pleasure
Power	Purposefulness	Recognition
Reliability	Religion	Respect for self and others
Responsibleness	Reverence	Security
Cocky-Subject	Cocky-Esteem	Service
Steadfastness	Tact	Thankfulness/gratitude
Tolerance	Trust	Trustworthiness
Truthfulness	Wealth	Wisdom

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Desirable Children'south Traits

Below is a list of behaviors that a child could demonstrate. Selection out the five that you admire the well-nigh and the five that yous least admire. You can have your co-parent do this do separately and and then compare and discuss each of your lists.

TRAITS MOST ADMIRED

_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

TRAITS To the lowest degree ADMIRED

_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

is very active, always on the go
takes whatever he or she wants
tin can throw & grab a ball very well
is a very beautiful kid
has a smile for everyone
doesn't desire to exist dirty or messy
tin do "concrete things" easily (i.e, run, climb, ride a trike)
faces unpleasant situations (i.e, doctor's shots) without flinching
asks questions about everything
can do things a multifariousness of ways
always turns out lights when leaving a room
gives toys abroad to anyone who asks
sees what needs to be done and helps without being asked
tells the truth fifty-fifty when it is to his or her disadvantage
ever wants to do things past self
is tested as academically gifted
does what anyone says
lets another kid seize with teeth him or her
doesn't like activities interrupted
always thanks people
is always sought out by playmates
says prayers every night
can exist trusted to leave tempting items alone
comforts a distressing child at preschool
gets ain snack whenever hungry

From: Crary, Elizabeth, Without Spanking or Spoiling

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Ranking Children's Traits

Rank the personality traits listed below. Utilise 1 as the most important to you.

Annotation: The traits are the same as were presented in the Desirable Children's Traits (above).

The numbers in parentheses indicate the corresponding argument in that do.

_____ Agile – lots of energy, e'er moving (1)

_____ AGGRESSIVE – competitive (ii)

_____ Able-bodied – does well in sports (iii)

_____ ATTRACTIVE – physically nice-looking (4)

_____ CHEERFUL – pleasant, friendly (5)

_____ CLEAN – bully, uncluttered (6)

_____ COORDINATED – physically coordinated (seven)

_____ COURAGEOUS – stands upward for own beliefs (eight)

_____ CURIOUS – inquisitive (9)

_____ FLEXIBLE – resourceful, innovative (10)

_____ FRUGAL – conserves resources and energy (11)

_____ GENEROUS – shares with others (12)

_____ HELPFUL TO OTHERS – donating (13)

_____ HONEST – truthful (14)

_____ Independent – self-reliant (xv & 25)

_____ INTELLIGENT – intellectual (xvi)

_____ OBEDIENT – compliant (17)

_____ PASSIVE – non aggressive (18)

_____ PERSISTENT – "finishing power" (19)

_____ POLITE – well mannered (20)

_____ Pop – liked past peers (21.)

_____ RELIGIOUS – respects God (22)

_____ Cocky-CONTROLLED – cocky-restraint (23)

_____ SENSITIVE – considerate of other's feelings (24)

From: Crary, Elizabeth, Without Spanking or Spoiling

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For more than information about values, check out the following books. Purchasing from Amazon.com through our website supports the work we practice to aid parents do the all-time chore they can to raise their children.

Without Spanking or Spoiling by Crary Using Your Values by Heath The Family Virtues Guide by Popov

<recommended books mostvalues

<all our recommended parenting books

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Source: https://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/indulgence-values/values-matter-using-your-values-to-raise-caring-responsible-resilient-children-what-are-values/